[Thursday, May 24th, 2007 @ 12:10am] EVERY  MOTHERFUCKING  TIME. 1 ~ CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

[Tuesday, May 8th, 2007 @ 3:01pm] It's been a crazy week or two. I've been really busy with work and i've been getting things for my apartment like dressers a tv and all that kind of shit. I dont think my grandma realizes that i'll be out for sure by the middle/end of june. It's getting really fucking hot out here and my grandparens like to keep the temp in the house at 80, which is okay i guess considering it gets to be 120 outside, but its still too hot for me. I like to be cold. But i like it here so ill suck it up. Trents car is broken right now, so we've been doing our best to still be together as much as we can but its hard. I guess every other day or every 3 days isnt so bad, cnsidering i see him at work too. Things with me and him are good, i feel more and more like he is trusting me and opening up to me which makes it that much easier for me to open up to him. We've been working on how i can show how i really feel, because i seem to have a problem with that. A couple days ago was the first time in this whole year that i could actually be mad at him. It pisses me off that he tries to piss me off, even though hes trying to help me be more comfortable with my real feelings, but he does it on purpose and then i get pissed and he knows i hate it and he still does it which pisses me off more. I know you probaby dont care to hear about me and trent, but its better for me if i write about it, and this isnt for you anyways, His birthdays coming up on the 31st and his mom getting us a room at one of the casinos, he's going to be 21 =] I think im going to get his car fixed for his birthday, although i know he wouldnt let me. Yesturday he handed me 20 dollars at work and i handed it to him on the counter and told him unless he wants someone else to take it he better get it because im not taking it. Then he got all pissed because i was giving away his money that was for me. I tell him all the time that i dont want his money, but for some reason he just keeps giving me fucking money. He said this 20 was for the cabs, which have only costed me like 13 total the 2 times ive had to take them.. and 5 of that he already gave to me a different time. So then i was outside smoing and he came out by me and i ut it in his pocket, or i was goig to atleast, and hes got some reflexes let me tell you because he pshed my arm back and it hit my face then i got a really bad bloody nose for like 10 minutes and he ket appologizing and i told him to just take the money. I seriously, god i dont want his money. It pisses me off just thinking about it. Then as i went on telling him its not fair that he pays for everything and i asked him what im supposed to do he said hes supposed to work 2 jobs and im supposed to be sitting at home waiting for him catching up on all the latest adertising. When he says shit like that, its sweet, yeah, but i need to do things for him too. I have way more money than him and for some reason hes the one giving me money. ahh. I dont know, I've watched the crow movies almost every night this week. If you say those movies suck, you are lying. real love is forever.  CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

trent [Thursday, Apr 26th, 2007 @ 9:41pm] [ mood | accomplished ] my relationship with trent isnt even something that could be understood by any normal person in any kind of situation. we've spent the past 9 months completely commited on getting to know every fucking thing about eachother. i've always pushed people and pushed people to understand what they can be, ive spent all my time making sure everyone i know has made the best out of their lives. In my situation, Trent would be me. He pushes me to limits i didnt even know existed in my mind. Our conversations are so fuckind deep i can not explain to you. Many people have questioned why we are not together. Until tonight, i did too.  After talking to trent tonight, i completely understand why we are not together. In normal couple situations, where you know how your parter, but fail to know your partners mind, it would take much less than a miracle to break them away. I learned so much of this from mybrothers relationship with his girlfriend, because they were so completely in love that in the beginning i never once questioned there love for eachother. As i have watched them grow together, and see more of their abilities to enter eachothers mind.. i question their love and happiness multiple times a day. I feel like there has always been more to me than most people have ever known. Whether i was lacking in ability to show myself because i thought people wouldnt want to hear, or whether they really just didnt want to hear.. i have never been so completely convinced that anyone in this entire world has wanted the ability to make our minds one like he does. Before tonight, i was sad and confused alot as to why we arent together, i have found peace in my mind at that thought.  I have never wated anything more in my life than real love.. and real love takes so much work. we both understand that i am still so young and may not quite know how to let anoter person into my mind completely.. at the same time we understand and agree that its about growing tgether, and being completely together for the ride. The trust i feel for that man, is like a trust i have never felt before. I have neverfelt like someone has cared so much. After all these 9 months the progress that i have made is that my individuality and my thoughts and everything there is to know about me is in my mind. I have taken all of my sadness and all of my pain throughout my entire life and i have built structure and stability from it. That is one major thing he probably didnt even know he was pushing me to do, but he has. I have yet to be completely open with him, because ive only spoken my mind through my written words. Through all this time hes stuck around me and trusted that one day soon i will let him in, is enough trust for my to live an entire lifetime, and i could never be more thankful. I used to cry at his house about things i was always sad about,things that always hurt me, things i was always afraid of. Now i cry because i feel this is something way to unreal and unbelievable for me to understand. One day soon we will stand together, fall together, think together, feel together, everything together. We will be one.  I have so much work to do to get to that point, but in the end of it all, nothing will be able to break us. And he will know when i am ready. I want to be in his arms right now. CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

[Friday, Apr 20th, 2007 @ 9:06pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | wonderful / 7 black sabbath ] I SAW LINDSAY  APRIL 19TH, 2007 [iloveyou] i just dont understand how you can smile with all those tears in your eyes & tell me everything is wonderful now this is one of those day where your just there, just there by yourself.. and you know you have alot to think about so you just drink. you just drink because its so much easier and clearer to understand everything that way. i found the picture movie lindsaymade me for my 16th birthday today when i was going through shit at my moms house.. i was playing it for my mom and brother and it was the first time id seen it in a long time and i just broke down. i knew i missed her, but i never knew it was hurting me.. because believe me, this wasnt your ordinary cry. i wish the days could be the same you know.. so yuoung, so innocent, so much fucking fun. it was a serious reminder of why i am still alive. she is a constant reminder of that in my life. you will never, ever know. my wisconsin visit is going well.. the trees are pretty withough leaves and i love the drizzlies. ilose myself here though, a very confusing feeling where i feel i never left. its a good thing except for the fact that it minuses ot all the improvement ive made this year and it really makes me miss trent. if ive neevr talked about trent, i appologize.. because hes not only saved my life but hes changed my world, hes changed my thinking. because of him i see so much beauty in this world. ive been close with him for 9 months now, and we get closer everyday. i havent drinken with anyone but him [and rarely] this whole past year, so of course when i am drinking now i am going to miss him incredibly. i wish he could have came here and seen how beautiful it ws. although i still feel like im not strong enough to live here because of my past, it would have been an incredible adventure. so far ive seen mel, kristin, lacey, her friend, austin & 2 of his friends, FUCKING LINDSAY OMG<3life, [most faily of course], ashley & travis, .... you know what really hard for me being here? ive only seen lindsay for 5 minutes. im like in fucking serious breakdown rigt now and i cant be talking to her and she cant just come pick me up so i can go to her house, you know. im up so late.. sitting here.. by myself.. and shes like, right here. shes right fucking here and i can not see her. i CAME HERE to see her and i can not FUCKING see her. You have to understand what lindsay is to me, you just do, because she. is. everything. and i wish we could be together right now. i talked to linds for like 10 minutes [probably more but ya know, seemed less] when she was at work and we realized that i should gone with her and it sucks because i could have been there damnt. but anyways it was nice to hear her voice fo that long, to hear her laugh and make jokes and just BE LINDSAY.. it wa refreshing, really. i felt really safe in my head. anywho, im rambling.. i sppologize. hopefully trent will call soon. its 420 though, so itll probably be later. I had plans for 420 and stuff. but gina told bill about the stuff about it on my myspace and when i found that out, for some odd reason it really like. .made me not want to do it, and it made me realize how much i didnt ant to do it in the first place. its so stupid. stupid stupid. i know its because i only want him to trust me with his daughter. especially because ive cleaned myself up so much so i could make things better. i want him to see that. and youll think.. wow hell care if you do it one time, well he should, really.. and that really saved me. bill's been a lot of inspiration for my getting better.. because the day he trusts me, or even thinks of me like amber, the day he knows all i want to do is make things better[and thats all i EVER wanted]..is the day ive completed my jourey of recovery is. most of you dont know who bill is, and thats okay because some of this might not be my information to give. but, thank you bill. thank you so much for way to many things i could thank you for right here. and thank you livejournal fer letting me get that out. i love you all, i do. thank you all so fucking much, you will  never know. CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

so.. [Friday, Apr 13th, 2007 @ 9:14pm] Its now decided that i cannot live for Lindsay anymore. From this day forward i am myself. I wish her strength, And this was just really bad timing. shes cute. you love it. in the middle of serious laughter after i 'fell for her card trick'...=] My birthday dinner. They sang to me. Hard Rock, Vegas.. As are all of the following. Flash fucked up all my pictures, sorry. These are the door handles on everydoor.. and i need them now. Im really in love with that place. Especially.. Their unbelievably bathrooms. Just a memory I want you all to know that without my brother, I wouldnt be alive. His strength gets me through everyday And his humor makes people like me I love him so much. And im going to be with him for a week in just THREE days! I cannot wait. p.s today was crazy. Broke down at work for the first time, first time in a long time that i actually cried. So everyone seems to think im a horribleinfluence for lindsay and her parents wont even tell me whats going on or even where she is and for how long so.. fuckit. give em what they want right.. well see how much better she gets. motherfuckers. thank god for brothers like nicholas shayne. CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

yeah [Wednesday, Apr 11th, 2007 @ 11:36pm] so uh.. my uncle committed suicide tonight yep. CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

WI in SEVEN days! [Tuesday, Apr 10th, 2007 @ 5:34pm] so it is decided that, when Lindsay moves in with me out here in good ole AZ... I will pay her (no not for sex you dirties.. i get that for free) But anyways I will pay her to be my maid and taxi. and im so excited. 2 ~ CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

looking back.. [Monday, Apr 9th, 2007 @ 5:44pm] Its so weird to see that i didnt write sence the time i was tlking about my birthday party.. thats its been over a year sence i got kicked out of my momsand brothers and sent off here to arizona. In many ways ive grown up this year, ive developed meaning as  human being. Although much of my pain and sadness is still there, there is a deep shadowing of anger inside of me that has been getting me through. I am very thankful to write that Lindsay is stilla part of my life, and basically the most important thing at that. After everything i put her through this year i mean i cannot explain even.. but shes going to be living with me sometime and, well.. lets just write about tha because its all im hearing about lately. a few people who i wont mention think that its a bad idea that me and lindsay live together in fearr that she will "drag me down with her" well honey, there isnt anywhere id want to go without her.. so if shes going to fall im falling right with her. No, really though, i have full and complete intentions to help her get better. Its become a daily motivation in my life because i cant imagine what itd be like in this fucking world without her. So i work at Taco Bell, which has really been working out nicely for me. I listen to probably way to much System Of A Down, tons of Pink Floyd and HIM.. as well as alot of slipknot and NIN and many many more bands. I feel like ive missed a eyar of my life with this writing shit. I probably wont write alot i just got sick of seeing that last entry. Love. CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

[Friday, Mar 17th, 2006 @ 3:35pm] I LOVE HOW.. i dont even have to ask lindsay anymore on fridays, what are you doing tonight? because its an automatic assumed, what are we doing tonight? AND ITS AMAZING. and nothing in this world, could make my life bad, because of this. the end<3 p.s party at my house tomorrow, anyone can come. alcohol yesss. my brthdays monday :D 4 ~ CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

[Sunday, Mar 12th, 2006 @ 10:59pm] Im gonna be completely honest. And well.. I didnt think breaking up with Stephan would be that hard on me, Considering i was the one who wanted to do it. But, It definatly flipped on me. Because i was right about him being like everyother boy. Even if he doesnt admit it, I see it. And i have good ways of finding my proof. It kinda hurts. And i feel like shit. The end. 1 ~ CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

l.i.y. [Thursday, Mar 9th, 2006 @ 9:16pm] Well she sleeps there alone now or perhaps with another but I try not to think about that. I try not to think at all. I get cocaine from this girl I met and my brother buys me alcohol. And I stay up all night walking through these houses I have grown to hate and my parents ask if I'm all right I say "I've just been staying up too late." I need to sleep. I need to do something to get this awful weight up off my chest and keep her pretty ghost from chasing me You say there are spaces open and wide. belive me there's days longer than nights. And you could be happy if only youd try but you don't try. you don't try. And you speak of a fever that burns you inside. As you explain to your mother how you have wanted to die. So she kisses your fingers and says "My Darling but why? When there is so much more. There is so much more. Do you know there are spaces open and wide. Believe me, there are days longer than nights. And you will be happy the minute you try. So won't you try? Won't you try?" 2 ~ CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

[Thursday, Mar 9th, 2006 @ 6:17pm] &Seeing her finally so happy.. MAKES ME HAPPIER THEN FUCKING ANYTHING. you guys have no fcuking idea &hearts CMMNT ~ MEM ~ EDIT

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